Supporting Your Loved One in Treatment

Young people in treatment learn to deal with a number of issues. Before recovery can begin, however, they must overcome their denial of their problem. They can come to accept how the disease of addiction has made their lives unmanageable. Through these two processes, they can then take action to improve their lives through an ongoing recovery process.

Denial is a defense mechanism that people with addiction and their families develop subconsciously. By not acknowledging that there’s even a problem, they protect themselves from the pain caused by addiction. At the beginning of treatment, staff help your loved one—and your family—break through this denial, which can take many forms among young people:

Minimizing: “I only drink beer.” “I only get high on weekends.”

Rationalizing: “If I don’t drink at parties, people will think I’m weird.”

Intellectualizing: “Marijuana is legal in many US states and in Canada, so it must not be harmful.”

At the same time, family members have their own forms of denial:

Minimizing: “He’s only drinking beer. It could be worse; he could be doing hard drugs.”

Rationalizing: “Oh, she’s just going through a phase. She’ll grow out of it.”

No matter what form the denial takes, it always prevents the kind of action necessary to treat addiction. But when young people understand that they have a disease—that they are not “bad” and that their addiction wasn’t caused by a lack of willpower—they can take the first step of their recovery program.

In order to provide a safe, positive, healthy environment in which changes can take place, treatment programs establish specific guidelines and set firm rules. Many people entering treatment resist the rules and become frustrated with the structure they find in treatment. They often become angry with the staff and the restrictions. At some point during the treatment process, your loved one may become upset and voice their feelings to you. There are proven responses you can use when this situation occurs.

Do your best to listen to your loved one without taking sides. Then ask questions. Try to get as much specific information as you can about what’s causing these feelings. If you determine that the problem is that your loved one doesn’t like the rules or limits being set, encourage them to talk to their treatment counselor about how they are feeling. The treatment staff is trained to work with them to help understand and express these feelings in an appropriate way.

If you sense your loved one might leave treatment, it’s important to set boundaries. Take a firm stand supporting treatment. You might say: “I understand being in treatment is difficult for you. But your treatment is so important that I will not allow you to quit.” Those of us who have had to set boundaries like this understand the pain, doubt, hurt, and fear we go through when we don’t “rescue” our loved ones from their pain in that moment. But it’s necessary for their long-term success.

Listed below are some phrases family members can use to support a loved one who is expressing their desire to leave treatment prematurely:

I heard you say you wanted help . . . I agree with you, and I hope you’ll stay.
I am proud of you for being there and working on yourself.
I understand your desire to leave and that it takes a lot of courage to stay.
I believe you. I know this is hard. Please sleep on it tonight.
I want to support your recovery, and the thought of you leaving scares me. I ask that you give it some more time.
Sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t feel good.
This is a great opportunity to rebuild what you truly want.
I know it’s hard; it’s worth it.
I love you.

The Daily Pledge is a free, online social community, made possible by the Hazelden Betty Ford Institute for Recovery Advocacy, that provides a source of support and fellowship to those touched by or concerned about the disease of addiction. The Daily Pledge provides healthy daily activities on the home page, which are viewable to all who might benefit from seeing others "recover out loud." This community's members include both people with addiction and family and friends of people with addiction. Our experience is that people with diverse experiences are able to help each other in unique and valuable ways. Learn more about the community by exploring the pages linked in the menu.